Wish - Fem!Levi x Male!Reader [CRACK] [PARODY] AU

[FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, PLEASE READ THE DESCRIPTION. XD]

Once upon a time, in a magical land far, far, far, far, far, far, *author gets smacked* 6gy7v cbnfd away, there lived an unhappy young lady. Well, lady being a relative term. Sassy bitch was a far more accurate description. But, this sassy bitch’s mother had unfortunately passed away, and her father married another, a horrid widow with two ghastly stepdaughters. The stepmother did not like her one little bit.

Then again, the girl possessed a personality worse than two rabid wolves with chainsaws, so no one could actually blame the stepmother.

As expected, the two rotten daughters were showered with material valuables of all sorts; dresses, shoes, delicacies, jewels, and beds softer than a cloud. The poor girl-er-lady-er...whatever, slept alone in a tight space, receiving little food, hand-me-downs from her sisters, no lovely dishes, clothes or trinkets of any sort.

But, damn, did she know how to clean.

Everything: the walls, the floors, the windows, the ceilings, the dishes, the laundry all managed to stay pristine and sparkling thanks to her. Even the ash ridden cinders by which she sat shimmer brighter than a clean cut diamond. But, anyone that even attempted calling her “Cinderella” received a punch in the face that would make the castle guards quiver in their armor.

She was known as nothing more than her real name; Levi. No more, no less.

Any time the stepsisters attempted to boss her around, Levi would reply with a crude comment or terrifying threat. Any time the stepmother attempted to correct her or command her to finish chores, one shot from her silvery, dangerous eyes were enough to silence the old hag.

Levi didn’t need anyone to tell her to clean. She loved cleanliness. She loved perfection. Only she could make the house shine as it did on a day to day basis. She took orders from no one. Every one left her alone, and she was content to be so.

Until one fateful evening, the king of the magical kingdom that the author cannot think of a clever title held a ball for his son, one in which all the royals and nobles were invited to. Being of right age, it was time for him to pick a bride and marry....or more the father would pick a bride he liked for him. Either way, the prince strongly disliked this notion. Nonetheless, that was the life of a prince; all power, little freedom.

Naturally, the stepmother and stepsisters of Levi were invited to attend. Not that she cared. If there was one thing she detested more than filth, it was socializing with pompous idiots dressed in gold and frills, daintily sipping drinks from their fine crystal and nipping at rich cuisine. Besides, she would have the entire house to herself, and the house was clean, unlike the filth of the ball.
But, as any fairy tale goes, fate had other plans.

On this delightful, quiet evening, Levi rested herself on the garden bench, book in hand, enjoying the soft, cool breeze, brushing aside her ebony locks. Now, the peace did not last for very long, much to Levi’s dismay. One can hardly call a fat lady appearing noisily in front of one peaceful.

And where the hell did all the pointless flood of sparkles come from?

It was no other than the maniacal fairy godmother Hanji Zoe. Dressed in a pale, blue frock, her dark hair pulled back in a high ponytail, and her glasses shimmering with a mysterious gleam, she waved her magic wand about, calling in an annoying, shrill voice,

“Greetings, dear Levi!”

Cocking an eyebrow, the sassy bitch spat back,

“What the actual fuck is this?”

She practically skipped over to the bench with a giggle. “I’m your fairy godmother, silly! I’m going to help you get ready for the ball tonight!”

“Damn you! I never asked for a fucking fairy godmother and I don’t want to attend a ball!”

Reeling back with a dramatic gasp, the ethereal being replied, borderline tears,

“How could you not?! You have to! You must!

Practically slamming her book, she retorted,

“I think you’re mistaken-I must not and WILL NOT go to a fucking ball, thank you.”

Hanji’s shoulders slumped slightly, and her bottom lip protruded. “C’mon, Levi. You gotta go. You gotta meet the prince, dance, and what not.”

“Very funny, who says?”

She grit her teeth. “DEUS EX MACHINA. THE AUTHOR, SO GET OVER IT.”

“The author is going to die.”

“Hush, just let it happen, okay?”

“And give up my freedom? HA. Not happening.”
She placed her hands on her hips. “Freedom, my ass. You’re stick with two whiny bitches, day in and day out, refusing to leave you alone!”

Hanji did have a point. How she could possible argue? Swallowing every bit of her pride, as painful as it was, Levi replied, choked up,

“FINE.”

With an obnoxious cheer, the obnoxious pixie grasped the short woman in her arms with the intention of squeezing her to death.

“You won’t regret this!” she cried. “I swear it!”

“I’m already regretting it,” came the voice beneath the trap of her arms. “And what the fuck, are you wearing a fat suit?”

“Shut up, I needed it for this role.”

“Better than being a woman.”

“Shut up, Levi. We gotta move on with the plot.”

“What fucking plot?!” a cough resounded within the depths of her embrace. “Lemme go, you idiot!”

As she requested, Hanji released Levi, leaving her coughing and spluttering, rage glinting her eyes. Completing ignoring her silent threat, the fairy waved her wand and flicked her shoulder. In a flash, she was dressed in a form fitting blue dress, tall heels, gloves and a matching tiara.

Levi had to prevent herself from regurgitating her last meal.

“This better be quick.”

A wide grin stretched so far across her face, her cheeks nearly split. “Don’t worry, Levi! You’ll be home before you know it! But, remember, when the clock strikes twelve, the spell will be broken, and you’ll go back to normal! Well....mostly.”

“Tch, I’ll be sure to drink myself unconscious.”

She sighed. “You never learn. Now, go bring me a pumpkin and seven rats!”

“Aw, hell no.”

“Just do it!! We don’t have time!”

“Ah, fuck me...”




With a sorrowful sigh, Prince [Name] bowed yet to another damsel, clad in her best gown, long lashes fluttering sweetly up at him. To him, no matter the color of the dress, the color of the eyes, hair, or skin, each lady appeared exactly the same to him; lightly flitting over the carpet, curtsying gracefully, flashing a flirtatious smile.

The same routine every time.

Oh, when would he ever find the perfect woman for him? A beautiful lady with some grace, elegance, intelligence, and a legitimate personality?

The author proceeded to pose dramatically as she wrote this.

Then, as the crowd scattered across the dance floor, sipping away at their fine wines, Prince [Name] crept away from his throne over to the food table. Having received no proper nourishment that day, his stomach refused to cease vocalizing its sadness and woe. He covered his plate with the tasty goods. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a flash of blue. A figure wormed its way through the crowd, immediately over to his table. Without a word, limber hands reached for the nearest food. The prince blinked in shock: standing before him was a petite woman with jet black hair pulled into a bun and intense, blue-grey eyes. Her sharp features gave her an almost intimidating look, yet she possessed an unknown allure to her. True, she was quite attractive, but that was not where her appeal hid. [Name] watched as she devoured the food and practically gulped down her meal, caring not who spotted her. Yet, somehow, despite her obvious, ravenous behavior, she dropped not one cup or spilled a drop. He couldn’t help but be intrigued by this lady.

After clearing his throat, he slid closer to her side.

“I know how you feel,” he said, straightening his back.

Immediately, she froze, sharp eyes darting over to him.

Pangs of nervousness shot through his heart. “Uh, parties like this. I really despise them.”

Eyes softening just a bit, she placed down her dishes and continued to peer at him, no response.

His throat constricted before he took a quick breath. “I hate getting dragged to these things. They make no sense to be honest. Just another place for all the nobles to show off.”

His heart fluttered just a bit as she sauntered a little closer.

“I agree,” she replied, crossing her arms. “All these idiots, prancing around, kissing the asses of royal-” she stopped and shifted her eyes over. Her eyes trailed up and down his figure. She took note of his pristine, white jacket, adorned with gold, hair combed neatly. Just his appearance was enough to give away his identity. “Ah, sorry.”

[Name] chuckled. “Nah, it’s okay. I like your honesty.”

“Really? You shittin’ me?”

“Not at all! You’re the first person here that’s obviously not trying to...well, as you said,” he snickered. “Kiss anyone’s ass.”

She pursed her lips. “Hey, you’re kinda cute.”

“H-huh?” [Name] nearly spluttered.

“I said you’re kinda cute,” suddenly invading his bubble space, she draped an arm over his shoulder, hot breath tickling his ear. “Say, what was your name again? It isn’t just prince, right?”

Face reddening, he replied, after swallowing hard,

“U-uh, it’s [Name.]”

He heard her grunt in approval. With a slight tug at his shoulder, she slyly pulled him out into the cool, fresh air, undetected by his guests.

“Levi,” she replied, slinking an arm around his waist.

The flush of a rose paled in comparison to the color of his cheeks. Taking her other arm in his, he began a gentle movement in time with the music from within.

But, alas, good things never last forever. Levi was too enthralled in her dance. She hated to admit it, bit she quickly grew an attachment to the prince. Was he utterly, jaw dropping charming? No. Was he perfect? No. But, he listened to her ramblings. He smiled and laughed at her stupid jokes.  

Perhaps that freak Hanji was right. Maybe they were meant to be together by some inexplicable force.

Alas, no good thing lasts forever. Before she even realized it, the clock struck midnight, forcing her to depart from her prince and run home before she was discovered. Little did she know, her glass slipper was left behind....even though the rest of her attire disappeared with the spell.

Fairytale logic.

The next few days, Levi became bitchier than ever. Her stepmother and stepsister dared not come near her. She continued her daily cleaning rituals. But, her loneliness continued to grow inside her.

She retained a little wish that perhaps [Name] would come and whisk her away.

Unbeknownst to her, the prince, glass slipper in hand, searched high and low for the location of Levi. He didn’t bother allowing any other woman’s foot touch this shoe-he knew exactly what she looked like. How could he forget her? But, his search became more and more futile.

Until he finally reached the end of the town...

With one more weary knock on the door, [Name] was greeted by none other than Levi’s stepmother, stepsisters lingering in the back with sparkling eyes. He explained his ploy and inquired any knowledge of her whereabouts.

Their face grew white.

Of course they knew who he spoke of.

She terrorized them day in and day out.

But, before the stepmother could send him away, a dark voice, thick with disgust, cut through:

“What the fuck is this?”

Immediately, they backed away, leaving Levi’s pathway open.

The prince’s heart jumped in his throat. “L-Levi-!”

“Where the hell have you been?” she seethed, half stomping towards him.

Trying his best to hide his fear, he nervously laughed,

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

The once obvious urge to rip the man to shreds faded. She blinked in surprise. “You-...you were?”

“Of course!” he carefully leveled himself to the floor. “You ran off without saying anything! Besides,” delicately, he cradled her ankle in his hand and slipped the shoe snuggly over her foot. “You left this.”

Still dumbfounded, she still continued to blink.

[Name] rose himself to his feet. He lightly took her hands. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“Uh-!” she glanced down at the floor. “Tch, you’re an idiot, keeping me waiting like that.”

“Well, now that I’m here, won’t you come with me?” his [e/c] were soft and full of love.

“What kind of stupidass question is that?” she suddenly gripped his arm tight, catching him off guard. She smirked. “Of course I will, dumbass.”

Needless to say, Levi and [Name] married, becoming the king and queen of this nameless magical kingdom. Did that make Levi any less of a sassy bitch? Psh, of course not. But, [Name] loved that about her. Was she the most eloquent of queens? Definitely not but it didn’t matter. He accepted every part of her and she him. Her small wish came true, and he finally married the woman of his dreams.

But, did this story make this author look stupider than ever? Of course it did.

Yet, everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END.